Dec 27, 2008

The Great 8

I stole this from Joleen. (Thanks Joleen!) The responses are in no particular order and do not reflect the views of this station or its affiliates.

8 Favorite TV shows:

1. The Office
2. Pushing Daisies
3. Chuck
4. Psych
5. 30 Rock
6. Bones
7. Scrubs
8. Firefly

8 Favorite Restaurants:

1. The Bombay House.
2. The Indian place on Center Street.
3. The Indian Buffet in that old Wingers.
4. California Pizza Kitchen.
5. Bajio
6. The Little Acorn – those seriously are the BEST hamburgers.
7. Papa Johns.
8. This little Korean restaurant I went to in Hawaii. We chose all our food from a buffet (raw) and then brought it and cooked in on a grill right in the center of the table. Awesome!! I think that was the first time I had calamari. Not much of a fan. I also could have had Sea Horse that night, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to do it.

8 Things that happened yesterday

1. We finally went and visited our 90 year old neighbor whose wife died a few months ago.
2. He was so happy to see us he kissed me on the cheek!
3. I thought for a minute that he was going to kiss me on the lips…
4. It snowed. Yeah, yeah, old news.
5. I bonked my left elbow on the banister.
6. I ate more candy than anyone has a right to.
7. I got dressed and put on socks.
8. From time to time I walked around the house with my eyes closed, on tip toe, humming the theme song from “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom”.

8 Things to look forward to:

1. Getting the floor down in the library.
2. Moving all the STUFF into the library that is currently spread out all around the house, just waiting for a place to belong.
3. Getting the dining room done.
4. Getting the sitting room done.
5. Hearing the word “Mommy” from Harrison.
6. Spring.
7. Getting the student loan paid off.
8. Senility.

8 Things on my wish list:

1. New dishes.
2. A new bedding set.
3. The remodeling to be done.
4. No more dust.
5. A maid.
6. A cook.
7. An absolutely incredible, stunning, amazing and breathtaking head of hair.
8. Yeah, I know, these are hollow, materialistic wishes. I’m not telling you the stuff I wish for deep down in my heart of hearts. That is none of your beeswax.

8 Things I love (like) about Winter:

1. Hot Chocolate.
2. Sweaters.
3. Fires in the fireplace.
4. Sledding.
5. Holidays.
6. Storms if I can curl up in my bed and I don’t have to leave the house till it is all over.
7. Especially really loud, windy storms.
8. I do like that the seasons change, but I am not so much in love with winter as I once was. Sorry Winter.

8 People I tag:

1. Nah. Use it if you wanna.

Dec 26, 2008

Understanding Women: Part 2

And now to continue our series about the mysteries of women, where we address those questions men have asked about the baffling things that women do.

Item Two: Why do women expect us to be able to read their minds?

Because deep, deep down inside, in that little part of her that still loves ball gowns and unicorns and true love, she believes that if you REALLY, TRULY loved her, you would know what she was thinking, And the fact that you don’t know sort of shatters her magical little dream world. Over and Over. You big jerk.

Besides, for someone who can read minds herself, it is a little hard to be patient with someone who can’t. And even when she is being mostly rational she can't help but think that you probably could if you tried hard enough. You just haven't tried hard enough yet. So get busy.

Harrison's 2nd Birthday

These are the cupcakes we made for his party. Didn't turn out QUITE like we planned, but Harrison never knew the difference. And it looks like my camera is having some serious problems. Poo.

And then there was snow!

Something about this snowsuit made me laugh so hard that I could barely manage to take his picture. He let me put the suit on him, which surprised me (he NEVER wants to let me put a coat on him) but when it came right down to it, he wasn't all that excited about actually standing in the snow. After a few seconds he just had me carry him, which he thought was way more fun.

A couple of weeks ago we had a Christmas Carol sing-a-long at my parents house. Lots of people, lots of treats and lots of singing. Fun! Toward the end my nephew Kresten brought out his guitar to accompany us. Harrison thought that was pretty cool. So he danced for a while, then, while Kresten was playing "Silent Night" Harrison went over and sat right down on Kresten's knee. We all tried to keep singing even though we were laughing. And then Harrison found a stuffed toy on the floor, and started bonking Kresten on the head with it, all while he was still trying to play his song. No one was singing anymore because we were laughing so hard. As Fae said, "Classic Harrison!"

Dec 13, 2008


I just borrowed some toenail clippers from Richard. Had a little snaggletoe going on. So I was clipping away and that stupid set of clippers flung a toenail up into my hair! And I said "Hey Richard! Your stupid clippers flung a toenail up into my hair!" So he says, "Oh, yeah, that is what they are supposed to do. They aren't toenail clippers, they are toenail transferers."

I was going to throw the clippers at him, but I was laughing too hard.

Dec 12, 2008

I Hope it's Cake

And now, to help women understand men. Hang on ladies, I am about to drop some wisdom on you. My cousin sent me this link:

What a comic strip! How indicative of the Human condition! How well it reflects the deep and unfathomable differences between women and men! Men give women what they ask for. Women plot revenge. Men have already moved on to thinking about food.

Let’s skip the whole thinking-about-other-women-part. The part we need to focus on is the cake. Actually, in almost any situation you face, the part to really focus on is the cake. Let us examine the average woman.

As a wife and mother you do a lot to contribute to the house and family. You cook dinner, you clean the house and wash the clothes, plus you work part time, volunteer at church, and spend countless hours online. In addition, you have a few other projects you work on; outlets for your creativity. You take pride in what you do and the stuff you create and, like anyone, you think a little recognition would be nice. Sometimes all you want is for your husband to realize and appreciate all you do. You always think he should just be overwhelmed with the awesomeness of having a live in servant. It’s gotta be pretty amazing for him that now that he is married he never has to worry about his laundry ever again. He should constantly say things like “Wow! It is so wonderful to have a wife! Thanks for taking care of me!!!”

But he doesn’t. Does any man ever say that? And we know, he’s not some careless, slobbering ingrate, but that level of gratitude and recognition just doesn’t occur to him.

So then you think, perhaps he will really love and appreciate my arts and crafts! Perhaps he’ll say “Golly! That Teddy Bear you made out of garbage bags at Homemaking is really special! It looks so great up on the mantle like that! You sure are talented!”

But he is not going to say that. You probably really don’t want him to anyway, just think about it.

Anyway, blah, blah, blah. I’m here to tell you I found out how to get my husband’s attention. Like most people I have creative phases I go through: scrapbooking, gardening, macramé, Line Rider. But I have finally hit on the winner. Cake. Somehow I got the idea in my head that I wanted to try to decorate a cake. A good one. Could I do it better then the loons on Cake Wrecks? I became a little obsessed with the idea and went cake crazy. And they have actually turned out ok. But the thing about it all that is the funnest for me is how involved Richard got. I could sew myself a whole new wardrobe and he might say “Oh, good job.” But I make and decorate one cake, and he is literally beaming with pride. He wanted to show everyone. I’ve never seen him so proud. It still makes me giggle.

For demonstration purposes, I would like to show you one of the first fancy cakes I made (maybe "tried to make" would be a little more accurate.)

This was for my high school boyfriend. I guess we had some structural issues, but we frosted it anyway! And delivered it, though I don't remember that part? Thanks for modeling Brenda! (I was going to say something here about the crumbling cake representing our crumbling relationship, but I gave up. Oh wait, look at that, I think I've done it.)

Anyway, my cakes have improved quite a bit, but even if I had made this very cake and presented it to Richard, he still would have been pretty tickled. So why am I telling you this? I know men aren’t all the same, but there is an 83% chance that if you pour your creativity into food, especially food that he gets to eat, he is not going to be able to ignore it. He won’t want to ignore it. He may even think you are the most talented thing he has ever seen. And that is a pretty nice place to be.

Dec 8, 2008

Heavy Goods

Today's interpretation is brought to you courtesy of my brilliant sister Arlene! And here she is....

It might seem that at least the English portion of this Welsh sign does not need interpretation. However, a better understanding of this sign and all of it's implications will save you from a lot of pain and inconvenience.

Imagine that you need "heavy goods" delivered directly to your home; Say, perhaps, anvils. Alas, the Anvil Delivery Truck is not allowed in. You could try to hand carry the anvils in, but that often leads to smashed toes.

One idea might be to try to make a case that the anvils reside in the residential area, and as such are not violating the rules in any way. Good Luck with that.

The Welsh portion of this sign is more understanding of this type of difficulty.
If your Welsh has grown a bit rusty, I'll help you out.
"I am not in the office at the moment. Please send any work to be translated."

Hence, all you need do is pretend that you only speak Welsh, and that the anvils really need some translating, and could they please wait in the office for a while?

Problem solved.

Dec 6, 2008

Understanding Women: Part 1

A recent study asked men to list a few of the things women do that are the most difficult to understand. Their responses will be addressed in a new series entitled: "Understanding Women".

Item One: Why do women always ask "What are you thinking about?"

I know it is annoying, but this has to do with Women's Intuition. Fully developed Intuition is not something a girl is born with, and it doesn't suddenly just sprout into existence as soon as she reaches womanhood. These are actual mental powers that she spends most of her life carefully honing and developing (often without realizing it). For example: all mothers can read their children's minds (up until they reach the age of 14). This isn't a gift that is given to her the moment her child is placed in her arms. She has to work on it. And most women do that by practicing on their significant other. A girl will ask her boyfriend "What are you thinking about?" Not because she doesn't know, but because she's pretty sure she DOES know, and she wants to see if she is right. In this way her mind reading abilities with be tested and strengthened and ready to use on her unsuspecting children.

(Incidentally, if a girl does ask you this, what she WANTS to hear is "I was thinking about how great we are together", or "How beautiful you look in that sweat suit" or "I was coming up with names for our future children." Even if it isn't true, you will still get points for saying it.)

Stay tuned for our next installment, when we address a related frustration men share: "When women expect us to read their minds"!

Understanding "2001: A Space Odyssey", Part 1

Understanding "2001: A Space Odyssey" - Part 1

There has been some buzz on the blogosphere lately about the confusing nature of the Movie "2001: A Space Odyssey". If you feel this same confusion, never fear. You have come to the right place. (Also, never fear, I promise never to use the word "blogosphere" again.) I understand the crap out of this movie. So hold on, cuz you are about the get the interpretation of your life:

The Movie begins with a segment depicting prehistoric man: Australopithecus Afarensis. A fun fact is that this scene doesn't actually go with the rest of the movie. It is a short film the director originally created for his filmography class in JR. College. Ironically, his teacher really hated his movie, so it didn't get to debut on Student Movie night as planned. The director never quite got over it, so he added it on the front of this movie just to stick it to his teacher.

So, the real movie begins at the beginning of the 21st Century. It is a little hard to tell, but most of this movie takes place in space. We actually never get to see what life on earth is like at this point in time. However, judging by the furniture in the space station, it is safe to assume that Ikea is the ruling power.

What we see starts out pretty strait forward. There has been a discovery on the moon, and a bunch of guys sit around in a room and talk about it. But this is all very symbolic, and without coming to terms with some of the symbolism, you will feel like a fish out of water.

(You will also really start to notice by now that the movie is moving very slowly. That is something you are just going to have to get used to. Everything in this movie takes a long time. Things that could be shown in one or two minutes take five or six minutes in this movie. This was a very revolutionary way of filming. Back in the day, movies moved so fast you often had to watch the WHOLE time, just to keep up with the story. But the director's vision was to have each shot move so slowly and take so long that the audience would get bored enough that their boredom would cycle all the way back into interest. No one had ever tried anything like this before. That is why the movie got so many stars.)

He used the idea of a monolith in his short film about prehistoric man, and decided to run with it. This monolith, which later resembles a large, smooth chocolate bar, symbolizes impatience and greed. (And it doesn't like to have it's picture taken, just like all those people out there who are impatient and greedy.) He really wants to warn against impatience, because it is the number one thing that will insure that people will walk out of his movie.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of the interpretation of "2001: A Space Odyssey", which will be published as soon as I can come up with it.

Rolling Out the Welcome Wagon

Translation: I really, really need a hug. Right away. Pretty please?

Peeking into Nerdhood: Episode 1

Fortunately for all, Lance will be returning once again as our Guest Interpreter today. Here he is:  

I realize that this post begins with a long preface. I couldn't help the flow of words, much like the flow of bees out of a hive that has been disturbed. Please wade through the preface, I promise to get to the interpreting at some point.

I am sometimes asked to do tech support for people, which is probably one of the most enjoyable and rewarding efforts a human being can be involved in. I find it equally as enjoyable as activities like:

  • Brushing my teeth with a fully charged cattle prod.
  • Cutting my toe-nails with armed, pin-pulled hand-grenades.
  • Eating my own face.
  • Watching Dancing with the Stars.
  • Death
Ah yes, as you can see, the joys of tech support are limitless. Often when I am helping someone configure their new bluetooth-enabled cluster of geosynchronous brain lasers, I end up having to explain some of the technical jargon. So, I thought that I could begin a series of episodes that would take a handful of tech terms and explain them for the normal Joe, or Joe-ita. You are the people that aren't concerned by the fact that Data didn't have a bluetooth or wifi connection into the main computer of the enterprise. Why oh why did they have to always hard wire his head into the system for him to communicate directly with the computer? Oh, am I off topic again? Sorry.

In this Episode, I will interpret the terms: Power Cycle, and Modem.

Power Cycle:

Sometimes when you are on the phone with a kind, caring, non-spongebob-squarepant-pajama-wearing tech support agent, you may be asked to power-cycle something. Usually your cable modem. The reason for this is that cable modems were forged from the same fires as the ring of power that Frodo had to destroy to save middle earth. When the ring was destroyed, so was any sanity in the way that cable modems and many other electronic devices are programmed.


There are two forms of Power Cycling: The first is the act of spinning one's body 360 degrees with one leg extended which results in the kicking of an electronic device during the last part of the spin. This action is very similar to what ninjas and karate types call a "roundhouse."

The second form is that of holding the device by any of its cabling and spinning the device in a circular motion like a windmill. Best results are achieved if the device is allowed to hit the floor, ceiling, counter-top, or other hard surfaces as it spins around. At least 10 revolutions are recommended for a complete Power Cycle.


Modems were invented by a husband and wife team of computer nerds to solve two huge problems that nerds everywhere were facing. Number one: Nerds needed to be able to communicate with each other and other humans, but needed a way to remove all emotion, tone, and personal interaction from the transfer of ideas. Number two: Nerds had been having little to no success making friends with other humans because of their sociological and hygienic deficiencies. Thus they needed a way to contact and communicate with new people, without the new people seeing, smelling, or hearing them.

Interesting fact: Windows Millennium (Windows ME) was developed as a weapon against modems. The developers on the Windows ME project believe that computers should never be allowed to communicate with each other, lest they all band together and tear a hole in the fabric of space with their infinite floating point calculations. Anyone who installed Windows ME would find that their modem would stop working, as would most everything else on and attached to their computer.


Modem is short for "More of them." Referring to the amount of friends that nerds thought they would acquire through the use of the device.

I hope that you have found this article useful. If there are other terms that you would like me to explain, please email them to me at

Beads Jewels

One of our faithful readers recently received a solicitation from a bead supplier. The closing statement was a bit confusing, so she sent it over to us for interpretation:

Hope soon we will get a chance from your side to became your loyal customer by providing us a sample order to judge us.

Beads Jewels

I think I have finally cracked this one. If you are into beads, you may have seen some that are so cool, it seems they must have been made by magic. Well I think "Beads Jewels" is a supplier of these "magic beads". And they operate out of a different dimension. Each year at the autumnal equinox, they "cross over" to our side to drum up business and to stock up on ketchup packets, and they were sending you a "heads up" so that you could be "prepared". Once they arrive they plan to "loyal customer" you until you are so sick of them you either sign them as your vendor and place a sample order, or you send them to small claims court. I think it is kind of a bold "business" move, but it just might work!

Chinese Proverbs*

Found these at Quote Mountain, and knew right away I had to make sure all those who read them understood them. A little known fact about proverbs from this era, is that they were rarely symbolic. Imagine all the confusion that has been caused by people looking for the deeper meaning in them. Few things will bring you more pain and destruction than misunderstanding an old proverb. Here we go.

Public before private and country before family.
Despite how it sounds, this is simply a mantra referring to proper alphabetizing. C before F. Pu before Pr... Well, yeah, it's incorrect, but I'm not the one who came up with this proverb!

Waiting for a rabbit to hit upon a tree and be killed in order to catch it.
Similar to the saying 'You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar', this old proverb is saying that the best way to catch a rabbit is to just camp out next to a tree and wait. Odds are that EVENTUALLY some speedy rabbit will come flying along, run straight into that tree and break his neck, and then he is yours!

Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
No other interpretation needed. I know you want to. It seems logical. But just don't, OK?

Once on a tiger's back, it is hard to alight.
Lighting a candle while sitting on a tiger is difficult. Heck, sitting on a tiger is difficult. It is best to light your candle first, THEN climb on the tiger.

A tiger never returns to his prey he did not finish off.
If, while trying to ride the tiger as a family, the tiger manages to catch one of you and carry him off, that is it. Even if he doesn't eat the whole person, he is not going to bring you the leftovers.

Talk doesn't cook rice.
This, of course, refers to the infamous Talk, that Chinese help servant who burnt his master's rice so badly that his master was stuck in the outhouse for days (didn't know rice could do that, did you?) This is just to remind people, that if you meet Talk, don't let him cook for you, even if he asks nicely.

There are always ears on the other side of the wall.
This is very similar to our old saying "The grass is always greener on the other side." If you are in the market for ears, (or kidneys, or the perfect black dress, or other things that are impossible to find) good luck. No matter where you look, they will always be "just on the other side of the wall".

Steal a bell with one's ears covered.
This is actually supposed to read 'Steal a bell with one ear covered'. Don't ask me, it is an old ninja trick. Of course it doesn't work to cover both ears, because you are still gonna need one hand for carrying the bell. However, covering one ear confuses the bell so that it can't tell whether you can hear him or not, so he just won't bother to expend the energy.

There you have it. You now have the information you need proceed with your life in wisdom and prudence!

*We really do not mean to pick on the Chinese here. It is just that there is so much to work with. Don't worry, soon we will move on to another culture and make fun of their bad translations instead.

Park Rules

We are pleased to announce that our Guest Interpreter today will be none other than Lance, my Brother-n-Law! Take it away, Lance!

There has been some confusion regarding the use of Araha Park lately. Obviously, "Prease Concerne" is a condition that people are contracting after they enter the park. I know that this is unsettling for some people, but using the park has its consequences, people! Ok, Let's discuss each rule just to make sure that we all understand what is expected of us:
  1. Please take back your trush with you.
    Trush, of course, is a nasty form of trash-talk. It will not be tolerated in the park, so if you say something rude, just take it back and get out of the park, you big jerk.

  2. Do not bring in fragile glass ware or bottles.
    No glass in the park, also no computer programs. And babies shouldn't be in this park anyway (as discussed later in these rules) so leave the bottles home as well.

  3. Not make leonfire and not carrying dangerous in flammable substonee.
    Leon sleeps on the bench in the park. He has approval for this. Please stop burning his newspapers, especially when he is under them. Also, flammable items are fine in the park, just don't carry them in vessels made from anything that is less than stone, as most materials inferior to stone are usually flammable.

  4. Do not disturb to other visitor (Yell,Louder,noisy etc.)
    We all know that those of us using this park have a fascination with being disturbed. That's ok, but just don't let your disturbed activities get in the way of the other visitors. Especially Yell, Louder, and noisy. Those guys are nuts and should be left alone if possible.

  5. Not available Basket court,Roller lereae Skate bord after 9 PM. We ask your cooperate.
    We do not hold Basket court here. You will need to take your Basket complaints to the city. There is a coal mine that produces Roller lereae Skate after 9 PM. We have obtained permission from local cooperatives to mine here.

  6. Keep your pets in cluin,and the expeled limg to homr in lebidual in a bag.
    Ok, this rule is rather complicated, but here is the basic idea: Pets aren't as stupid as we think, so keep them clued in to the fact that if they don't keep their libidos in check and they start getting frisky with our guard dog, homr, they might have their resulting expelled limbs returned to them in a bag. I know that this isn't very pleasant, but it's life, folks.

  7. Do not riding around the motor cycle in the park.
    If there is a motorcycle in the park, don't ride around it. You could get hurt.

  8. Do not swing golf club and train,also flying radio contral plan.
    This rule might seem outlandish, but you know that some jerk actually did this to make us include a rule against it. It is this: Do not attempt to swing a golf club and a train at the same time in the park. Also, please refrain from running air force simulations in the park involving radio communication protocols invented during the Iran-contra affair. This makes us nervous.

  9. It's proharcted open eny drum shop in the park. with out parmation of authority.
    Listen, marching bands, bring your tubas and bagpipes and xylophones, but leave the drums home. The place for teaching, playing, selling, or repairing drums is not here. Unless the authorities become totally parmated (which they won't), they aren't going to change their minds. Come on people, proharcted is proharcted!! No exceptions.

Ok, finally: this park was built, and is intended, for us to find refuge and relaxation away from young babies and old people. You must restrain your actions to only those of a rough nature. Only Rough people can really survive here, especially with the Prease Condition affecting everyone.


P.s. This image came from Check it out, it is awesome!

Ninja Cat

OH MAN! No matter how many times I see it, this picture totally cracks me up! Wooh! OK, sorry. Back to business.

As you can see, this picture was shot in a hotel room. From the look of the bed covers I would guess that it is a Best Western. Which, as everyone knows, does not allow cats. This cat is obviously some advanced Robot Sleeper Agent, planted in this room to take out the unsuspecting guy in the wind breaker. Look at his face. He had no idea this was coming. And from the looks of things, I would say the Cat is giving him the business.

Thanks to Funtasticus!


Ah yes. Confusing indeed. This sign can really only be understood in context. Despite what they would have you think, train engineers are still engineers, and thus, nerdy at heart. And like any nerd, they can't resist role playing games. They have set up elaborate webs of games ranging all over the country, with clues disguised as hard to decipher train instructions. The interpretation is this:

At the stroke of 1:00 the train will start moving. You have until then to defeat the wizard, steal his staff, and cast a spell on the Train Conductor to obtain a ticket for passage.

South & North

Ah Maine. It is a special place. More so because of spots like this one. A little known fact about Maine, is there are pockets of directional malfunction, where it is actually possible to be traveling in every direction at the same time. Scientists refer to these spots as Non-occluded Spatial Coordinates. Let me tell you, it is a weird sensation to drive through one, but be warned, it will probably make you late for your BBQ.

The Title of this Post is Blank.

I gotta share this with you. This poem changed my life. Just now. I just read it and my life is all changed and stuff. I know it will have that changy affect on you too.

Ode of the eating
Oh, cure of the crankies,
thou which art food for my face.
I eat thee and am full nigh unto sleeping.

I sleepeth not!

I must now clean mine house,
or suffer the sting of womanly knuckles,
against mine face.

Oh, parcel of continuance,
thou cookie of chipped chocolate!
Endure the assault of sharpened teeth.
I sharpen them according to the heart's desiring,
which now sounds kinda creepy.
I'm not a vampire.

I'm just not.

This is thanks to the artistic genius of Lance. Though perhaps the poem is a bit confusing out of context. If you think so, feel free to read the whole post here.

Dec 1, 2008

I have to wonder about myself sometimes

I saw some black birds today. What is the difference between a blackbird and a crow? I want to say crows are bigger, but I don’t know. Are there even such things as black birds? Maybe Blackbird is just a general term referring to all birds that are black in color. Whatever it is, I saw some. In the Walmart parking lot. They just kept crossing my path. (Are black birds unlucky too, or is it just black cats? I know it is bad luck when a black cat crosses your path, but what is the radius for the bad luck? Does the cat have to be within sight, or does he just have to be within, say, spitting distance?)

And then I noticed one of the birds was fiddling with something. And this is, quite seriously, just about how my thought process went:

Oh look at that industrious little bird, trying to get some food out of that wrapper he found. Hmm. He seems to be having a hard time getting to it. I wish I could help him, but I know as soon as I get close to him he will fly away. How can I get him to trust me? I want to help that bird! Oh… wait…. Now I see what he is trying to eat. It’s one of those prepackaged rice crispy treats. Those are loaded with sugar! He doesn’t need all that sugar. It’s probably just as well he can’t get it out. Forget it little birdie! I’m not helping you eat that junk! You’re on your own! You’ll thank me later!

Ok, I embellished a little there at the end. I’m not totally crazy. But I keep thinking of that popular little saying… how does it go? “A moment on the lips, forever on your big, feathery backside.” Anyway, it’s something like that. Or at least it should be. That’s catchy. Maybe I’ll have some T-shirts made up!