Tales of the Macabre

How did Puff Daddy Become P Diddy?

And how can I become E Licious?  That is what I want to know.  I mean, there are a lot of questions out there to ask, but that is the one that prays most often on my mind.

I would just like to state, for the record, that I should be doing something else right now.  I really felt like the record should include that.  Good ol' record.


And speaking of the record, I've been told that it also needs to include my least favorite ways to die.  I'm assuming this is so that when an evil genius finally decides to do me in that he can kill me in the most unpleasant way possible.  Which sounds like a swell idea to me!

So here they are, in honor of the morbidness that is Halloween,

5 ways I don't want to die:


  1. Burned at the Stake. Fire is one of those too-much-of-a-good-thing type forces and I just don't think I want to be fired until I die.
  2. Tickled to death. I'm sure we've all said "Stop stop stop!" when being tickled (and meant it to varying degrees, depending on how cute we thought the tickler was) but can you imagine if they just actually really wouldn't stop until you were dead?  It is a fearsome assasin who weilds those fingers.
  3. Glue gunned to death. Enough said
  4. Suffocating in excrement.  I know it is gross, but I read a story about someone who escaped from a Nazi prison camp by hiding out in a toilet hole, and I've thought about it a lot.  I really don't think I would want to live through that experience. But I wouldn't want to die through it either.  I would just like to avoid all close contact with human waste if at all possible.  And I know I would rather die than clean up human poop for the rest of my life.  Animal dung I think I could live with, but human poop? No, just kill me now. Just not in the poop.  I know I am making a lot of demands.
  5. Being hunted, chased and then mauled to death by a giant beast.  Death by beast is bad enough.  Being hunted would be..............I'm at a loss for words.  Being hunted would be pretty darn scary.  Please, just let it take me by surprise, just let it hide in the bushes and spring out at mekkkkkkkkkkkkkkk