Tales of the Macabre

October 13, 2010

How did Puff Daddy Become P Diddy?

And how can I become E Licious?  That is what I want to know.  I mean, there are a lot of questions out there to ask, but that is the one that prays most often on my mind.

I would just like to state, for the record, that I should be doing something else right now.  I really felt like the record should include that.  Good ol' record.

And speaking of the record, I've been told that it also needs to include my least favorite ways to die.  I'm assuming this is so that when an evil genius finally decides to do me in that he can kill me in the most unpleasant way possible.  Which sounds like a swell idea to me!

So here they are, in honor of the morbidness that is Halloween,

5 ways I don't want to die:

  1. Burned at the Stake. Fire is one of those too-much-of-a-good-thing type forces and I just don't think I want to be fired until I die.
  2. Tickled to death. I'm sure we've all said "Stop stop stop!" when being tickled (and meant it to varying degrees, depending on how cute we thought the tickler was) but can you imagine if they just actually really wouldn't stop until you were dead?  It is a fearsome assasin who weilds those fingers.
  3. Glue gunned to death. Enough said
  4. Suffocating in excrement.  I know it is gross, but I read a story about someone who escaped from a Nazi prison camp by hiding out in a toilet hole, and I've thought about it a lot.  I really don't think I would want to live through that experience. But I wouldn't want to die through it either.  I would just like to avoid all close contact with human waste if at all possible.  And I know I would rather die than clean up human poop for the rest of my life.  Animal dung I think I could live with, but human poop? No, just kill me now. Just not in the poop.  I know I am making a lot of demands.
  5. Being hunted, chased and then mauled to death by a giant beast.  Death by beast is bad enough.  Being hunted would be..............I'm at a loss for words.  Being hunted would be pretty darn scary.  Please, just let it take me by surprise, just let it hide in the bushes and spring out at mekkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

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  1. I think suffocating would be bad enough. But no, you had to go even further.

  2. From this day forward, you shall be known as E Licious, and I will refer to you only as such.

    That's how it happens.

    Is it wrong that such a morbid post makes me so happy? I had never thought about it before, but being tickled to death is now my greatest fear. So thanks for that.

  3. I once heard of a guy who fell into a septic tank! He couldn't swim, so he was just going through the motions.

  4. You are too random. No, I take that back. You are just the perfect amount of randomness. Thanks for the post. The blogging world missed you. And I did toom E Licious.

    But I might try out E. Lucious (as in Malfoy), and E. Luscious (as in "Hey, check out her luscious lips." "Oh, that's just E. Luscious")

  5. If you find out how to become E Licious will you let me know so I can use the same method to become B Dazzled? We would make a fierce pair.

  6. You always ponder the deep and important things! It's one of the things I like about you.

    Hope all is going well with new little guy. You sort of ARE drowning in human poop with a baby and all of that!

  7. I like you. I'm glad you blog. Your blogs make me laugh. I think you're a very witty and eloquent writer. P.S. I've thought about that outhouse escape many a time myself...guess you never know what you'll do in "survival" mode.

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  9. I'm pretty sure there's a form at the DMV or the Justice of the Peace or something you can fill out for the E Licious thing. That makes me want to actually go do the paperwork for FabuLeslie. It's gotta be done at some point, I would think.

    Also, how about being hunted by a human? I'm pretty sure that would be worse than a giant beast. Like in one of those movies.. I don't know, Lord of the Flies or The Game or something like that? Gives me the willies!

  10. better to die without any pain than suffering a lot and dying

  11. I am sorry, I was all ready to start calling you E Licious, but after that post..... forget it. You might have mentioned the desire for that name before one of your posts about cookies or cupcakes, but you didn't, did you? Had to go and talk about excrement?