We All Scream, Just Because We Feel Like It

Jul 28, 2010

In the movies you can always tell when a woman has had a bad day.  Well, first of all you can tell because she actually did have a bad day - maybe she lost the big account her boss was counting on, or she got left at the alter, or fell off a building, or maybe got chased by zombies.  But there are other signs, for those of you not too quick on the uptake.  She'll come home at the end of that crappy, zombie-filled day and head for the fridge. Her roommate will say "How was your day?"  and she will answer by pulling a container of icecream out of the freezer.  To which her roommate will respond, "Ooh, that bad?"

I never really understood that.  Are you telling me she only ate the icecream when she was upset?  Did she only keep it on hand in the eventuality that she might someday have a bad day?  For months it would sit neglected in her freezer while she ate grapefruit and spinach until the day her dog died? Or was it the fact that she was eating icecream before dinner that alarmed her roommate so?  Somehow I doubt it.  I think this is one of those myths perpetuated by the media, like the idea that bank robbers are good at heart, or that monkeys can fly space shuttles.  Cuz if I have icecream in my freezer, I'll eat it, day or night, before dinner,  after dinner, in place of dinner, for breakfast, whatever.  I'll just keep eating it until it is gone.  Which is exactly why I don't keep it in the house.  If it is here, I will eat it until it is not here anymore. No occasion required.

So if I have a bad day, I don't have the luxury of just going to the freezer to eat that whole quart of Ben and Jerry's that has just been sitting in there.  I either have to MAKE something, which takes more time than I am willing to spend in that moment, or go out and BUY something, which is a bad idea all on its own.  I have a tendency to run over people when I drive angry.  Which means I have to resort to other sources of sugar, and I will use just about whatever I can find: Chocolate chips usually, or all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms box,  maybe Candy Canes from 3 Christmases ago,or if worst comes to worst, spoonfuls of sugar.

Have you ever tried to seek solace in a spoonful of sugar?  It doesn't have much to offer. I doubt it even really helps the medicine go down.  It only takes about a spoonful to make you wish you were dead.  3 or 4 spoonfuls later the barfing starts, which incidentally makes you forget about the zombies and sort of puts things in perspective.  At least I have a toilet to barf into, you know?

And that my friends, is why.... I don't know.  I really don't know how to wrap this up.  I just like to call you my friends.  But at least now we know that movies aren't real.  Yes, bad things happen to good people, but the odds of a person actually having icecream in the freezer on the day they find out that the perfect guy they just met has amnesia and doesn't even remember them is just too great to fool any one anymore.  You're gonna have to try harder, movies!  We are onto you!