Toilet Humor (I warned you!)

October 15, 2008

As we are getting ready to potty-train, I often have toilets on the brain lately. Fun for me. And, fun for you too! One potty training technique I have heard a lot lately is to let your kid run around naked for a while. Because they won't like the feeling of the bodily fluids running down their legs, and will be more likely to want to use the toilet. Seems like a pretty good idea, except Harrison is a very Projectile Peer. Pee-er? Whatever. So it is more likely that it will be running down MY legs than his, and since he thinks it is funny, I doubt very much that it would be a motivation at all. Anyway, just one of the toilety things I have been thinking about. I've also been thinking that with three of us using the toilets, it is probably a good idea to post some Toilet Rules we should all follow, so as to make everyone else's toilet experiences as nice as possible. Luckily for me, someone has already come up with some perfect toilet rules, so I can just use theirs!

You have my brother-in-law Charlie to thank for this. Oh, and of course, (click on the picture to enlarge).

I know what you are thinking. 'Hey! Weird! Those are the same rules my mom posted by our toilet when I was a kid!'" Crazy, right? But if, by chance, you aren't thinking that, you may find these rules a little hard to understand. So I am going to interpret them for you. Cuz I'm nice like that.

1. If you are using this toilet for the purpose it was intended for, it is only meant for one user at a time. If, however, you are using it for other things - such as a stool, or a hiding spot during a game of sardines - it can accommodate as many users as you want.

2. When this toilet is flushed, the stuff inside goes where all sewage goes, and thus, it is not a great place to stow spare body parts (feet, specifically). Feet don't belong in the toilet, because even if you ask them to, they will not be able to poop for you.

3. If you use the toilet, you clean the toilet, and don't you dare try to get out of it by moving the toilet somewhere else.

4. (This one refers to a very special kind of toilet sold exclusively in China. It is a bit hard to explain, but imagine something like a very large kitty litter.)

5. When using the toilet, don't make a lot of noise. You will scare people away. That isn't nice.

6. It is normal to have a lot of distractions and interruptions when using the toilet. Just stay focused and stick with it and you will finish what you came here to do. (If it helps, repeat to yourself these words: "Into the Toilet! Into the Toilet!")

7. It is not the fault of this toilet that you did not properly cook your food. Please don't come in here and vomit all over the place. That really messes up the environment the toilet is trying to create.

8. If you are feeling emotional or having difficulty, please take advantage of our new "Toilet of Attention" which is not only soothing and comfortable, but will also listen to your problems.

9. Please limit your graffiti to "orderly paintings" only. Disorderly paintings tend to confuse people, and they might start to run into things.

10. Yes, the fountain outside the bathroom smells like urine. But it is not a toilet. Don't treat it like one.

11. Before using the bathroom, (and especially the litter box) please memorize all of the toilet rules so that you will know exactly what to do when the time comes.

Hmm...I'm not really sure that I got number 2 right. If anyone has any better interpretations, please feel free to share.

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  1. I may have to put toilet rules in my bathroom. Having a boy is totally different than a girl. Ezra seems to "miss" quite a bit. I should have him clean it....well, that would just make a bigger mess....good luck with potty training! I love your new look by the way.

  2. You have been awarded this week's blue ribbon for funny. I would have peed my pants reading this, but I was already sitting on the toilet.

  3. Ohh my goodness. I'm reading this at work on my lunch break and laughed til I had tears. SO so funny! I have to share this with others, if you don't mind. I'm seriously hoping you are writing a book to be published!!

  4. I think #2 (hahaha #2, get it?) refers to how unhappy a foot is when used as a plunger.

    On an unrelated note, a few months ago I was with the kids in San Jose on a hot Saturday. We had just played in the waterpark/sprinkler play place in the middle of the city, and before leaving, Amy and Maggie needed to use the restroom. They have a coin-op bathroom right there, so I gave Maggie a quarter and sent them over.

    Maggie used the quarter to get in, pottied, then held the door so Amy could get in.

    Amy started her business, and then, since she hadn't deposited a coin, the bathroom started its self-cleaning process! The lights turned off (but light still came in through the roof) and all the internal water sprayers turned on!

    She jumped up and hustled out of there as fast as she could, with her pants still around her ankles.

    We just saw her jump out with her pants down, and she pulled them up and came running over and told us the whole story.

  5. It is so nice to have an unexpected laugh like that. The rules were so crazy that my head hurt thinking about them, but your interpretations were great. Thanks