Christmas Fetters.

I just sent off my Christmas cards.  And I didn't include a letter this year.  If that makes you sad, I'm sorry.  Though if you really are saddened by it, it is likely that you are a sweet old lady I met on my mission and don't read my blog or know what the internet is, and therefore have no idea what is going on in my life.  So I am most apologetic to those of you who will never get this apology.  May my unheard apology lighten your heart and brighten your day.

Still, I'm always a little bummed when I get a card with no letter, and now I am kinda wishing I had included one.  SO, since dinner is in the oven and all and the kids are wrestling in the other room, here is the letter I would write if I were to write a letter right here right now.

My kids are getting bigger.  In the usual fashion. Colin started saying "Please" yesterday.  He rubs his little belly and says "Bee!  Bee!"  And I find it impossible to say no to him.  Harrison has started telling poop jokes.  And mostly just throwing the word "Poop" and "Pee" into sentences at random.   I think we have the public school system to thank for that.

My mostly crazy and somewhat amazing husband is building a motorhome in our backyard.  From the ground up, basically.  Because he just had loads and loads of free time and was dying for a little project to fill it.  

As for me?  Last night I ate the perfect cupcake.  Thanks to Lindsay of Vanilla House Bakery, who just moved into my ward and got put in charge of the food for the ward Christmas party.  It was a chocolate cupcake with peppermint ganache in the center and the most amazing buttercream on top.  I really kind of wanted to cry, it was so delicious.  I really, REALLY wanted to hug her, but I was holding a baby, so I had to settle for an awkward shoulder pat.  And now, unfortunately, that cupcake is the standard by which all other cupcakes will be measured, and I'm sorry, Other Cupcakes of the World, but I just don't think you are going to measure up.

At this magical time of year, I am most thankful for: shatterproof Christmas tree ornaments, the fact that there is no snow on the ground outside, that my heater works, and that my neighbors have just this minute decided it is probably OK to start testing out the base in their new car-stereo sound system.  And my kids, cuz they are pretty great.

My Goals for the coming year:
  1. Get some more kids.  As much as I feel bad for my poor children for being stuck with me for a mom, I still want more.  But we really only have 2 rooms.  If we're gonna get any girls, we really need another room.  And I don't think the motorhome counts.  So my goal next year is to find someone to build us another room or 2.  I've thought about Extreme Makeover Home Edition, but they'd just want to tear the house down and start over, and I don't THINK I want that.  Do I?
  2. Punch someone in the face.  Ok, not really.  But it is on my bucket list.  I don't have anyone in mind, but sometime before I die I'd like to punch at least one person in the face, good and hard.  Now I just need to find someone who really deserves it.  
  3. Survive, keep my children alive, and stay out of jail.  

That probably about wraps it up!  Thank you so much for stopping by and we'll see you again next year!

That is what happens when you try to fly by them.

Yesterday, unbeknownst to me, I shopped for about an hour with THIS in the seat of my pants.

You're welcome, people of Target.

DIY Firefly Crate - Subtle, yet 有光澤

It is a problem the world over.  You are a giant nerd, but how do you incorporate that nerdiness tastefully into your home decor? You probably shouldn't line up all of your Boba Fett paraphernalia above your T.V. in the living room. Because your husband won't let you.  And you might love to display all of the Star Trek toys you got from Burger King when the new movie came out, but they are Mint in Box in the Attic, and just too much work to retrieve.  And now that you are married it is no longer "appropriate" to line the walls with your posters of David Tennant, Nathan Fillion, and Richard Ayoade.  And your authentic Hogwarts Robes just don't go with the decor.

So, what to do?  Here is what I did:

Built some nerdy Furniture!  Stylish & functional, yet it still subtly displays your love of Sci Fi Cult Films.

The story began when I saw this picture on Pinterest.

Which came from here.   So cute, right?  The only trick was this lucky girl found a couple of old crates at a thrift store and stuck some spiffy wheels onto them.  That is fine and dandy, but what if I don't have the gift for finding neato crates at my local thrift stores?  What if I ain't got no crate to stick no wheels on??  Those were the thoughts, word for word, that were running through my mind when suddenly inspiration struck and I realized I could BUILD MY OWN CRATE.  And you can too!!!  Cuz I am going to tell you how!  I can't help myself.  Doing tutorials is like a drug.  Once you start, you can't stop.  It's irresistible, for a bossy person - telling people what to do and how to do it.    They just can't get enough.  Ok.  Me.  I'm the bossy person.  I can't get enough.  I love telling people what to do.


I would like to start by telling you that this only cost me $3.00 to make, but the truth is I don't have a clue.  Cuz I didn't pay much attention at the time, and I made this like a month ago, and I don't remember that far back.

First of all, I used what I had, which was 3/4 inch plywood.  Which is WAY thicker than it needs to be.  That sucker is heavy!  I would suggest using 3/8 inch plywood, but that makes the math too tricky, so I am going to tell you to make it using 1/2" plywood.

Ok, let's see if I can remember how I did it.    The finished peice is 21" high, with the wheels; 33" wide & 19.5 inches deep.  Several minutes of research and experimentation showed that would be the ideal size for my purposes.  Obviously it will be smaller if you use 1/2 plywood.

Start by cutting your wood.
Of the 1/2" ply wood you'll need 
2 peices 18"x30", 
2 peices 18"x18" and
1 peice 31"x19" (for the bottom).
If you don't have the tools or the inclination to cut at home, they will usually cut it for you at the hardware store.

The trim pieces I used are 3/4"x 2.5".  I THINK that means they are officially called 1x3's.  Maybe.    And you could surely use something thinner or different, but trying to think about what your other options might be and adjusting my measurements to account for thinner trim is just about taxing my brain beyond its capacity.  So let's just assume that the trim you use is 3/4" too, ok?

cut your trim thusly:

4 peices 18" long
4 peices 32.5" long
8 peices 13.5" long

And oh my goodness this is terrifying.  What if you go to the hardware store, buy all your wood, have them cut all your wood and then get home and find it does not fit together?  Is there any way that I won't be held accountable for the things that I write here?


Now Sand.  Everything.  As much as you feel like it.  Sanding is very personal.  And then it is time to start putting it together.  I didn't take pictures along the way, cuz it didn't occur to me.  So I will draw a picture for you, which I'm sure will work almost as good.

You put it together like that, ya shee?  I used a brad nailer to hook the boards together, but screws would probably work better.    And then the bottom peice should just fit right on top of the box you have just created, so screw that in as well.   Then it is time for the trim!  Boy, this sure is coming together quickly!

The trim goes on like this:

Wow, I really suck at this.    Not at drawing, obviously, just at Tutorials.  That is a top view.  OH!  Hey, I DID take a picture before I finished the whole thing.  Maybe this will help?

Not really?  You can see I didn't miter the edges of the trim, I just did it like in the picture.   Yep.   I really suck at this.

So, attach the trim pieces with finishing nails or a brad nailer.  And then if you want it to look all battle scarred and beat up then beat the thing up!  I was going to, but it was so pretty when I got to this point that I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  The poor thing is going to get beaten up enough just living in my house, so I decided to let nature take its course.

Then comes the fun part.  At this point my crate looked like this from the front:

But shipping crates always have a logo or shipping company or something stamped on them, so I had to pick something to put on mine.  I thought it might be fun to make it look like a something intercepted on its way to to Warehouse 13, but while I was looking for shipping images online, this one kept popping up:

Which seemed familiar, but I couldn't place it.   This helped though:

And then I read up on it on the FireflyWiki, and I knew it was the logo I wanted to use.  So I printed it off on my Cricut, used it as a stencil and I spray painted it on.  The logo is not too detailed though.  A dedicated anal person could easily cut it out with an Xacto Knife.

And then I stained the whole thing.  Right over the top of the spray painted logo.   I used Minwax Polyshades in a satin Antique Walnut.

I just did one coat.  It went on so fast and easy.  The hardest part was waiting for it to dry.

Then for the wheels!

The girl who inspired me was inspired by these crates (which don't even have any trim.  You could leave out that whole annoying attaching trim step).

Sold by  She even found a website where you can buy casters in almost any color (  But to me, that crate looks kind of like a box wearing tennis shoes.  Also, the cool casters are about $10.00 a piece.   Too steep for me!  So I was more than happy with these little black ones from Home Depot for about $2.00 a piece.

Just remember to get some screws to go with them.  I forget and had to rummage through the junk drawer at home to find some with the right kind of top in the right length.

Then I screwed them on, one in each corner, just like the pros do, and Tada!  I now have a place to keep all my toys!

And I can get them out and play with them any time I like.  Now I just wish we lived on a hill, cuz that thing is just begging for somebody to go for a ride in it.

Are you going to the Gun Show?

I owe you guys an apology.  I believe a person can never say I'm sorry too often, so that is why I want you to imagine that I am standing next to you, whispering "I'm sorry" in your ear over and over and over, all day, in kind of a creepy voice (cuz that is the only way I know how to whisper).  Then maybe you will really feel apologized to.  Cuz I promised I would tell you how we did Richard's Steampunk costume and my steampunk gun and there you all are, waiting with baited breath and heated up Hot Glue Gun, Rub 'N Buff at the ready and I am over here just living my life and stuff.   And that is not right.  I know that.  That is on me.  Feel free to throw very small, soft objects at me.


How to Steampunk Your Man!

Step 1:  Get permission.  Most guys do not like it when you dress them up in their sleep.  They are not dolls, dogs, or babies.  Be respectful, ok?  You might get away with a haircut while they are unconscious, but I really wouldn't go any further than that.

Step 2: Look at this picture and try to recreate it.

yeah, I am really feeling too lazy to go into detail.  Here is what I will tell you: to achieve Richard's look, use Simplicity Pattern number 2895 for the vest, massacre several leather belts and give the camera lots of smouldery looks.  This was all his idea.  The Steampunk, I mean.  Halloween a couple years ago he pulled up a "Steampunk" Google image search and said "Isn't this awesome?  This is how we should dress next Halloween."  And I said "You are sitting on my foot".  But see where it led us?

I think I've mentioned that Richard always wants to make everything himself (or get ME to make it for him).  So he has always saved every bit of leather he gets his hands on.   We have quite a stash.  He wanted to make his own hat, but I found that hat at Target in their Halloween costumes for $5.00.  So he took the satin band off and replaced it with a strip of leather.  His goggles are identical to mine.  See them here.  He designed the Gators (or whatever the manly equivalent of legwarmers would be) himself.  Used some old denim to make the pattern by wrapping it around his legs till it looked right, making marks, wrapping again, making more marks, and then got me to sew it all together.   If you want better instructions than that, just ask.

And now. . . . . . .  My Steampunk Gun of Awesomeness.  

I really like it.

Here is how it looked when I bought it for $1.99 at a local thrift store.

I know.  Kind of a rip off, right?  I shouldn't have had to pay more than 50 cents for it.  But it was the size and shape I was looking for, so I splurged.  Richard told me later that when I bought it he thought it was a really stupid gun and there was no way I could turn it into a decent Steampunk gun.  But he also admitted that he was wrong and it did turn out cool, so TAKE THAT, Past Richard!

So here is the low down.  I took off that blue thing in the front cuz it was dumb, and then sanded the whole thing down.  Not really carefully, I just wanted the paint to stick, and didn't want the gun to be too smooth and shiny.  Then I took I knife and stabbed and cut and generally mauled the whole thing till it looked good and thrashed.  I wanted it to look like it had seen a few battles.  Then I spray painted the whole thing a matte black.  Next came the Rub 'N Buff.  (which I talked about HERE) And away I went!  Rubbing on a little gold here, a little copper there, and maybe some silver over here for kicks! But I needed something to breakup the monotony of the cylinder on the back, so I drilled tiny holes along the seems and superglued regular metal brads into the holes.   Then, to add a little color, I picked a couple spots and painted them with blue fingernail polish. THEN I sprayed the whole thing with a clear top coat to keep the Rub 'N Buff from rubbing off.

It was good, but not good enough!  I wanted more!!

I made the gauge by cutting a 5/8 inch tube about 1/4 inch long.  I found a picture of a gauge online, shrunk it down so it was the same size as the tube, printed it off and cut it out.  We had some sheets of thin, hard, clear plastic that we cut into a circle the same size, and glued it and the picture inside the tube.  Superglue.  My very favorite adhesive with special abilities.  Richard soldered together some copper and brass tubing into a fancy little doohickey, we glued the gauge on top, then glued the whole thing to the gun.

Then I pranced around carrying it just like a proper, well-bred, heat-packing, zombie-killer would.  Truth be told, I wear it almost everyday.  Here is me today, posing before I take out some cats in the backyard.  Pew! Pew!

I made several guns before this one, to practice, and some after, because it is just so fun.  Here are my favorites.

And that is all.  I have probably blown your mind enough for one day.  And I have used mine completely up, so I think I'll go watch "Single's 2nd Ward" for a while and recuperate.  Thank you for joining us.

Rest for the Rest of Us

When Harrison was 6 months old I left my husband alone with him and went to Girls Camp.  For one night.  It is nice, every once in a while, to get away.  Girls Camp, however, should not be called a "Vacation" under any circumstances.  Putting up my own tent, sleeping on the ground, having makeup put on me by a 12 year old, and mediating an argument between two hormonal girls sounds more like an episode of Survivor than a vacation.

But as a mom, it is the only one I've had.  Sure, we've taken a few family vacations, but as what's-her-name from Modern Family said, "I'm a mom travelling with her kids.  It's not a vacation, it's a business trip."  So now I've got 2 boys, the oldest of whom is almost 5 and I just wanted a tiny little break, ok?  And that is why my friends and I left our families for a night and went out and tore up the town.

I always love to read the posts people write about trips they've taken to exciting places like New York City, and Branson, Missouri (no, I'm lying.  I really don't) and so I am going to tell you all about my weekend in Fabulous St. George, UT!  Yes, you read that right!  Woohoo!

First stop, once we gathered everyone together and arrived at our destination, was lunch.  Any vacation that doesn't revolve around food is a pretty lame vacation in my book.  So we hit the nearest Taco Time and OWNED that menu and then the  "waitress" splashed hot sauce all over me and then gave me FREE Cinnamon Crustos out of guilt and shame.  SCORE!!

And then I ate 3 churros and  a few cherry empanadas for good measure.  I had to pay for those though.  I wish more people spilled things on me.

Exhausted after our social lunch, we headed to our hotel.  Motel.  Which had some really outstanding decor.  Cowboy boots stuffed unceremoniously with fake flowers, horseshoes hung in completely unexpected places, blood red walls in the bedroom and then this, just in case it all got to be too much:

But we wouldn't need that rope!  We have so much fun when we get together, having zit popping contests and taking pictures of our feet.

Wow, feet are weird looking, right?

After a wild night of cards and sour gummy bears, I pulled out my camera for a photo shoot.  They were not impressed.

I begged and pleaded and bribed and just finally convinced everyone to sit down and smile when the Hotel Tipped Over!!!

And we high-tailed it out of there, and hid out in the parking lot.  Things were just starting to return to normal, the hotel was righting itself, and we thought the coast was clear, so we decided to sneak back in for our sour gummy bears,

When out of the corner of my eye I saw it.  I started screaming, "Lookout! Lookout!  She's coming back!!  Run! Run! Run!"  and snapped this picture before diving into the nearest sewer grate.


So, yep.  Just about the perfect vacation.  I mean, how can you top Mothra?  We decided to end things on a high note, so we headed home after that, very rejuvenated and refreshed.  A Brush With Death and losing the rest of your sour candies can do that to a person.  A few hours drive home to snooze and gab with the gals and then the vacation was over.

And, you know, even though I came home to two sick little boys, and a mountain of barfed on clothings, towels and blankets, I was still SO HAPPY to be there.  Cuz I really missed them.  And maybe taking care of a house full of pukers is exactly where I belong.

Steampunk Yourself

Alison asked me about our Steampunk costumes from last year, and it made me realize that probably all of you had the same burning questions, but just didn't know how to ask.  Who doesn't want to know how to Steampunk themselves for Halloween?  My only regret is that I waited so long.  You all are going to really have to hurry if you are going to get your costumes done in time.    I'm serious.  This is happening.  I'm going to tell you exactly how I made my whole Halloween Costume last year.  Because I want to.  So let's get down to business!

Steampunk Goggles:
There are lots of tutorials on line for how to make your own from scratch, but we went the easy route and bought some welding goggles from Amazon.   Here is how they look on Amazon.

But that was real easy to fix.  The first tool in any steampunkers Bag of Holding is Rub 'N Buff.

You can buy it in Gold, Silver, Bronze, Copper, Antique Gold, and other metaly colors like that.  It comes out in a gold cream (if you are using gold, obviously), and as you rub it over a surface all the raised parts start looking like gold and all the recessed parts look like the old, unpolished parts of the metal.  It is like magic.  So awesome.  And fun.  And pretty darn easy.  The trick is to find something to practice on first.  Once you start doing it you'll get the hang of it pretty quickly.  You put the littlest bit of it on your finger, and just start rubbing away.  I tried with a cotton swab as well, but my finger worked the best.  Follow the instructions on the package and you'll be a pro in no time.  You can get it at most craft stores.  And if you have any questions, just ask.

The goggles are shiny, so I sprayed them with a matte, black spray paint first so the Rub 'N Buff would stick.  I probably should have sanded them very first, but I didn't.   I think I used Antique Gold Rub 'N Buff on these.  But I really don't remember.  We were going to replace the strap on the goggles with some leather or something but we ran out of time.  

And then I doctored this picture to make my eyes look really green.  Cuz that is what Photoshop is for.

Women's Steampunk Jacket:
My jacket started out like this:

It was one I already had, but it didn't button up, so I hadn't ever worn it.    Then I just kind of tried to guess how I would want a cropped jacket to look, marked it, cut it off and rehemmed it.

 Then I replaced the buttons with some brassy looking ones (I bought a huge bag of assorted brass buttons on Ebay), and Blamo!  Jacket done:

I already had the shirt - I think I got it here if you are interested in getting the very same one.

We got those leather pouches at an army surplus store.  Years ago.  Richard just knew we would use them for something SOMEDAY.  And it turns out he was right.  This time.  Threaded them on a regular old leather belt.  Fancy!

Steampunk Skirt:
It was time to stop pulling things out of my own closet, and make a trip to the thrift store.  For my underskirt, basically I was just looking for a lot of cheap white material.  I thought it might be cheaper to buy a large white dress than to buy the right material at a fabric store.  I'm not positive it was, but I got this dress for $4.00.

I know.  That picture is useless.  The dress was too big for me to fit the whole thing in the picture.  It was perfect though, cuz it had 2 layers, and the material was kind of gauzy, in a cheap way.

I cut a section out of the center of the under layer that looked like this:

and put some elastic at the top.  Then I cut the rest of the dress into equal width, equal length strips of fabric, and you guessed it, basted one side and gathered them.  Then I sewed them on, bottom to top.  I put two rows of ruffles on the bottom of the front too, which just about used up all the fabric I had.

You can see I didn't hem anything. I wanted it to look all worn and thready.

AND then my overskirt.  I also got this at the thrift store:

I put it on, and then pulled the back into a sort of bustle, pinned each side, and then tacked them into pleats by hand.  See?

Then I made those spats or gators or whatever you would call them, but they wouldn't stay up, and they were a pain to make cuz I didn't have a pattern and didn't know what I was doing and I think my boots would have been just fine all by themselves.  Here is a picture anyway.

Whew, does it feel like this is taking me forever?  Yeah, sorry about that.  Last thing for today is those little glovelets.  Which you should find a better way to make than I did.  I bought a bit of really wide lace, and basically just sewed it into a tube with a hole for my thumb to stick through.  I made them as tight as I could while still being able to get them on and off.  I should have put some elastic on the underside, but I was too dumb.

Put it all together and what have you got?

That is all for today.  I probably ought to feed my kids.  Those hotdogs aren't going to thaw themselves!  But stay tuned, because I still need to tell you about Richard's costume, and, Most Importantly, my gun!  And I don't really care whether you want to hear it or not.  It's not like you are here by choice.  Till then,  Elesa Out!

Guy on a Buffalo

Thanks to Epbot, I find out about very funny things.  Have you seen this?

I have been giggling for about 23 hours straight.  

And if that is your cup of tea, here is Episode 2 and Episode 3.  You're Welcome!

I Have a Problem

A big one.  Or maybe several small ones.  And I'm a little hesitant to admit it.  But I believe the internet is a sacred place.  A safe place where I can say anything and no one will judge me.  So here it is:


Yep.  Dirty little mice.  I assume they're dirty anyway.  What else would they be?  They are running around on MY floors after all.

We used to have mice when we first moved in here, 8 years ago, but after putting out some poison they magically disappeared, and we haven't seen them again until now.  Now, we Definitely have mice again.  Sometimes at night when I am sitting at my desk I can hear them scratch, scratching in the closet next to me.  Or scratch, scratching somewhere in the living room while I am watching TV.  Whenever I hear them I just start yelling and stomping on the floor.  Cuz if I were their size that would scare the crap out of me.  But they just keep getting bolder and bolder.  The other night while playing on the X-Box I distinctly heard a "Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!" go running across the room behind me.  I mean!  The nerve!  If I were living in a Giant's house, eating their food, trying to stay alive, I would try my hardest NOT to run screaming through a room that they were in.  Maybe he did it on a dare?  Maybe it was some sort initiation into a mousy fraternity or something.  That probably IS what is actually going on, cuz the next night I actually SAW the mouse running to hide out under my entertainment center.  Which was the last straw.  I can pretend they aren't there if I only hear them once in a while, but now I don't really have a choice!  I went out and bought some mouse traps, which claim to get rid of mice FAST, and do it without me having to even see the mouse once it is caught.

Only once I got them home I realized they don't come with any bait.  I thought they'd be like Ant traps, all souped up and ready to go, but NO.  WE have to bait them OURSELVES.

And so, tonight, the traps are set, baited with a variety of cheese, peanut butter, and even a gold fish cracker.  Let's see which works best?  You're Going Down Little Mousy!


DAY 2 -


Not even one.  The mice didn't fall for it.  All my spiffy new traps are sitting alone and impotent.  I really kind of expected them to each have a mice inside and my problems would be over.

But clearly not.  And to make matters worse, this morning some cheeky mouse went running ACROSS MY KITCHEN FLOOR!  In the full light of day!  In view of me and both my children!  So now I am just mad.    AT LEAST COWER BEFORE ME, TINY MOUSE!  I AM HUGE!

So I looked online:  Best mouse trap bait.  The verdict - peanut butter.  Hmm.  Not impressed.  They also said if you don't catch anything in a week, change out your bait.  A WEEK!  I'm not going to wait a week while some free-loading rodent goes to town in my kitchen!  Besides,  I suspect these mice are highly evolved because of the radiation levels around here, and it is going to take something more than PEANUT BUTTER to tempt them.  Tonight I am going to put money in one of them.  And maybe a tiny motorcycle in another.  Then I'll pimp out one to look a little Night Club.  Where they can also gamble.  And another I will make to look like a game store, complete with a Dungeons and Dragons tournament going on in the back room.   And on one I am just going to stick a tiny "WalMart" sign, and see how many don't get trapped inside.  Then we'll see.   And if all that doesn't work, I've also just found some Rat Poison that even I am not supposed to touch with my bare hands, so one way or another, the status quo is about to change. Those disrespectful mice might think they own the place, but they are about to find out just how terrifying I can be.  And now, in honor of the Mouse Annihilation that will soon take place, I will leave you with a poem, by my brother-in-law Lance:

Pitter-patter little mouse
sneaking all around my house
Fae caught you once inside her closet
While she made a shirt deposit

Pitter-patter little mouse
Fae doesn't want you near her blouse!
so I sent Ethan for my broom
(I keep it in the other room)

My eyes stayed fast upon your spot
A way to pass me filled your thoughts!
Oh where's the broom!  Hey look! It's here!
and then you knew the end was near.

The curtains closing, things looked bleak.
Your chances slim, your position weak.
And just when things were at their worst
When with fear you thought you'd burst
a tiny flash of hope and chance
told you that you might pass Lance
without being hit by my large broom
maybe you could skip your doom.

So up you sprang!
Out toward the door!
My broom, I swang
down toward the floor!

I did not get you on that day
You jumped and zagged and got away

But heed my words, for this I swear
If I see your mousy hair
Even though It cause me strain
I'll whack you hard right on your brain!

And I will, Little Mouse.  I WILL.

A Lot of Things. Really, REALLY Important Things.

Hey Misty!  I made this just for you!

You inspired me so much when you talked about these "Keep Calm" signs, that I just had to make one of my own.  And I love The IT Crowd.  I'm gonna put this on a t-shirt, and have the numbers wrap all the way around my side.  Awesomme!  (I like 2 M's in awesome.  It makes it seem kinda French.)

Other Things!

  • Colin spent Relief Society yesterday wandering around to all the sisters trying to find someone who would give him food.  I told him if he got any chocolate he had to bring it straight back to me.  It was a pretty good plan.  Till some sweet little old lady wouldn't let him wander off with her cane like he wanted, and he laid right down at her feet and cried.  Then we finished off church with him crying on his back on the floor of the gym.  So, yeah, standard Sunday.
  • I think I'm gonna start a company that sells Door Mats.  Because I sense there is a real need there.  I'm gonna call it "Soul Mats"  Get it?
  • I like to think of Canada as the United States' Hat. Mexico is, of course, USA's kicky scarf. And I always fondly think of Florida as the U.S. of A's fancy little earring!
  • This is a free country. To me that means I should be free to shop at Kmart without having to listen to Melissa Etheridge.
  • Being in a fabric store with my kids is like repeatedly punching myself in the head.  At some point I just get bored of it, you know?

And now for a moment of introspection. . . . . .

It's inevitable that as a blogger sometimes you will feel like you are talking to yourself.  Depending on who you are (and how much talking out loud you do when there is no one else in the room) you might always feel like you are talking to yourself.  The question is, does it matter?    I don't write the same way on this  blog as I do in my journal.  (When I am writing in my journal I like to say "Doi!" a lot.)  because the audience is different.  The question is, as a blogger, who IS your audience?   And what AM I getting at?  Again, DOES it matter?  I go through phases where I don't want to write anything, to phases where I don't want to READ anything, to phases where I just want to be the queen of the whole blogiverse!  And then I go through phases where I throw things a lot, but I guess that isn't really related.  So, obviously, the question is: Does the radio host just keep on talking even though he can't be sure anyone is listening?

Maybe what I should be asking myself is, what would Howard Stern do?

Mostly, I just talk a lot about nothing.  I cannot get myself to shut up sometimes.  See, we have something in common!!

More About Me Than You Would Care to Know

So, Pinterest, right?  I know.  When I first looked at Pinterest I was like, "Meh."  But now I'm like "Weeeee!"  I know you feel me.  (Except those of you who don't know what I'm talking about.  I don't want you guys to touch me.)  It is way better than bookmarking webpages and so very addicting. But am I the only one who sometimes gets depressed looking at Pinterest, or reading blogs?  The gulf between what I want to be and where I actually am seems so wide sometimes.  For instance, for like a month I have been pinning pictures of dining rooms that look like this:

while my actual dining room STILL looks like this:

or lately I have been pinning wonderful lunches to feed my two little darlings that look like this:

but standard lunch round these parts usually ends up being:

I pin hairstyles that look like this:

But half the time my hair looks more like this:

And I pin all sorts of cute outfits like the following:

But 86% of the time I leave the house in clothes like these:

All this stuff can get a girl down!  You know?  But what I have to remember is that

I AM FABULOUS!  I am Freakin' Fantastic!   I really am!  I almost never fart loudly in public, I have really good veins, I make delicious cookies, I make myself laugh, I have perfectly adequate penmanship, I like BOTH of my kids, I wash the dishes sometimes, I'm rockin' hairy legs and I am murder on the dance floor!  I'm AWESOME!  And I would say there is like a 50/50 chance that you are awesome too.  Maybe even 70/30.  Admit it!  You are swell!  So go ahead and keep pinning all the things and go right ahead and implement them if you ever take the notion, but you don't need to be and do all the things in those pretty little pictures to be great.  You are already great.

Here, I have put this handy reminder in vinyl sign format so that this can be stuck up on your bathroom mirror to act as a mantra for you to repeat morning and night.

Also, and this is just as important: none of that other stuff actually matters.  At all.  I know what matters.  You know what matters.  We all know what matters.  So don't forget, ok?