I Have a Problem

September 30, 2011

A big one.  Or maybe several small ones.  And I'm a little hesitant to admit it.  But I believe the internet is a sacred place.  A safe place where I can say anything and no one will judge me.  So here it is:

WE HAVE MICE.

Yep.  Dirty little mice.  I assume they're dirty anyway.  What else would they be?  They are running around on MY floors after all.

We used to have mice when we first moved in here, 8 years ago, but after putting out some poison they magically disappeared, and we haven't seen them again until now.  Now, we Definitely have mice again.  Sometimes at night when I am sitting at my desk I can hear them scratch, scratching in the closet next to me.  Or scratch, scratching somewhere in the living room while I am watching TV.  Whenever I hear them I just start yelling and stomping on the floor.  Cuz if I were their size that would scare the crap out of me.  But they just keep getting bolder and bolder.  The other night while playing on the X-Box I distinctly heard a "Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!" go running across the room behind me.  I mean!  The nerve!  If I were living in a Giant's house, eating their food, trying to stay alive, I would try my hardest NOT to run screaming through a room that they were in.  Maybe he did it on a dare?  Maybe it was some sort initiation into a mousy fraternity or something.  That probably IS what is actually going on, cuz the next night I actually SAW the mouse running to hide out under my entertainment center.  Which was the last straw.  I can pretend they aren't there if I only hear them once in a while, but now I don't really have a choice!  I went out and bought some mouse traps, which claim to get rid of mice FAST, and do it without me having to even see the mouse once it is caught.



Only once I got them home I realized they don't come with any bait.  I thought they'd be like Ant traps, all souped up and ready to go, but NO.  WE have to bait them OURSELVES.

And so, tonight, the traps are set, baited with a variety of cheese, peanut butter, and even a gold fish cracker.  Let's see which works best?  You're Going Down Little Mousy!

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DAY 2 -

NO TRAPS SPRUNG.

Not even one.  The mice didn't fall for it.  All my spiffy new traps are sitting alone and impotent.  I really kind of expected them to each have a mice inside and my problems would be over.

But clearly not.  And to make matters worse, this morning some cheeky mouse went running ACROSS MY KITCHEN FLOOR!  In the full light of day!  In view of me and both my children!  So now I am just mad.    AT LEAST COWER BEFORE ME, TINY MOUSE!  I AM HUGE!

So I looked online:  Best mouse trap bait.  The verdict - peanut butter.  Hmm.  Not impressed.  They also said if you don't catch anything in a week, change out your bait.  A WEEK!  I'm not going to wait a week while some free-loading rodent goes to town in my kitchen!  Besides,  I suspect these mice are highly evolved because of the radiation levels around here, and it is going to take something more than PEANUT BUTTER to tempt them.  Tonight I am going to put money in one of them.  And maybe a tiny motorcycle in another.  Then I'll pimp out one to look a little Night Club.  Where they can also gamble.  And another I will make to look like a game store, complete with a Dungeons and Dragons tournament going on in the back room.   And on one I am just going to stick a tiny "WalMart" sign, and see how many don't get trapped inside.  Then we'll see.   And if all that doesn't work, I've also just found some Rat Poison that even I am not supposed to touch with my bare hands, so one way or another, the status quo is about to change. Those disrespectful mice might think they own the place, but they are about to find out just how terrifying I can be.  And now, in honor of the Mouse Annihilation that will soon take place, I will leave you with a poem, by my brother-in-law Lance:

Pitter-patter little mouse
sneaking all around my house
Fae caught you once inside her closet
While she made a shirt deposit

Pitter-patter little mouse
Fae doesn't want you near her blouse!
so I sent Ethan for my broom
(I keep it in the other room)

My eyes stayed fast upon your spot
A way to pass me filled your thoughts!
Oh where's the broom!  Hey look! It's here!
and then you knew the end was near.

The curtains closing, things looked bleak.
Your chances slim, your position weak.
And just when things were at their worst
When with fear you thought you'd burst
a tiny flash of hope and chance
told you that you might pass Lance
without being hit by my large broom
maybe you could skip your doom.

So up you sprang!
Out toward the door!
My broom, I swang
down toward the floor!

I did not get you on that day
You jumped and zagged and got away

But heed my words, for this I swear
If I see your mousy hair
Even though It cause me strain
I'll whack you hard right on your brain!



And I will, Little Mouse.  I WILL.

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12 comments

  1. Maybe if you start singing, they'll come help you clean your toilets.

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  2. Oh my goodness! That is hilarious

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  3. Maybe these are mice from the future, and they have tricorders or something that detect mouse traps. And also they probably have some sort of electronic shields around them so that you can't even smash them. Except, obviously, their cloaking devices are malfunctioning since you can see them now.

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  4. Since they have been there for so long, I think you need to start thinking of them as family. Sew them some clothes and little hats. Start having them feed your chickens and make your fancy dresses. Just try it. Let me know how it goes.

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  5. So funny, how about let those needy cats in your neighborhood inside!

    We used sticky traps and caught mice, so they do work but we also caught spiders and a babies little hand. It was so sticky and hard to remove from the baby hand so I wouldn't put it where babies and see it. Ours was behind the door but the baby closed the door and found the sticky trap one day and was caught.
    The sad part is the mice are still alive and squeak when they get caught. The middle of the night squeaks are so sad to wake up to and then you have to get up and throw it in the garbage right then or you will never get back to sleep. Good luck! Peanut butter does work, chunky is best!

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  6. Ew. Mice. Yeah we had ONE once in our garage. Just one. We caught him with a sticky pad (but never heard any squeaking). I saw on a Real Simple post that if you put flour down (or something), like under cabinets or something you can "track" them to see where high traffic areas are. Or cover food and stuff in tin foil (they don't like chewing through that stuff).

    Good luck and thanks for blogging. You're funny, and I like you.

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  7. Thank Nacolynn, maybe I will!

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  8. Mice are funny but not really. I still laugh inside picturing me and my ex-husband chasing mice that came in his grandmother's house. It was next to a field. Mice thought we might be friendly, but then they met our broom.

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  9. Maybe you can take it as a compliment. Mice are, after all, the most intelligent beings on the planet, and if they chose you to do their experiments on then that really says something about you.

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  10. Night club. Nice choice. I'm guessing you'll catch the younger, party animal mice that way. If you need help with a good playlist to entice them, I might have a few good songs on my ipod.

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  11. I love the tiny Wal-mart idea. So what finally worked? Because we have mice in my garage and they chewed through a bunch of wires in the fuse box to James car and cost us $2000 worth of repairs. Another one died inside an air vent and one died just so that it's head was in the way of the radiator fan, making a lovely whacking noise every time it got hit by the blade. Gross. Cost to clean dead mice out of car? $400. So I would really like to get rid of them. I bought the same throw away traps you did, but I haven't caught a single one in them. I also bought some "Better Mouse Traps" and I have caught 3. But there are more because I have seen them. And I have cleaned up their little poops. I'm so mad I'm fit to be tied.

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  12. I know I’m supposed to sympathize but your narration just killed any serious bone in my body. LOL! So, what was the perfect annihilation tool in your grand quest to exterminate the dragons… er, mice? Since you said you’re putting money in it, did you by chance use an electrocuter? I think they’re safer to use in a house with kids around than rat poison.

    Annabelle Millard

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