Giving Gum a Chance

Oct 1, 2008

I would like to defend my gum stance. (Or my stance on gum. Whichever one makes more sense.) I think I may be turning into my father. He hated gum. He would never let us chew it. It was forbidden because he knew it would end up in our hair, in the carpet, stuck under the table or to the bottom of his shoe. Kids really are horrible at chewing gum. So any gum chewing I did I had to do in secret, but yes, I still chewed it. I really don’t know when I switched from secretly rebelling against my dad's Nazi Gum Regime to finally seeing gum for the diabolical substance that it is; all I know is that at some point my eyes were opened.

This reminds me of Marion’s gum story. Can I tell your gum story Marion? I would just ask you to tell it, but there is no knowing how soon you will even see this request, and the masses will not wait. So I am going to tell it. Feel free to correct me if needed. Everyone knows my memory is lousy, and I will probably screw it up.

Marion lived under the same strict gum rules that I did. Gum was so taboo that she thought it was truly a sin to chew it. But gum is a strong temptation for any little kid and when somehow she became the owner of a pack of Bubblicious, she had every intention of chewing it. She kept the package a secret, snuck outside, went and sat at the end of the driveway - making sure that her gum pack was never in view of the house - and right then and there chewed the whole pack. It was wrong, but it was so delicious. Or maybe, so totally gross. Those big colorful squares of fruity gum are super disgusting.

I don’t know how this story ends. Was she filled with guilt and eventually confessed? Did she became some kind of Bubblicios addict and chew gum behind the gym after school? Did she completely overcome her temptations and never chew gum again? I don’t have a clue. So I just can’t tell you.

I should somehow wrap this all up now, but I’m not gonna. Cuz I just remembered that I tried to steal some gum once. I’m pretty sure it was gum. It might have been a candy bar, but that wouldn’t really tie in with this post, so let’s assume that it was gum.

I was at a store with my mom and older sister Arlene. I was probably about 4 or 5. I wanted some gum so bad, and my mom wouldn’t buy it for me. So when they weren't looking I stuck it in my pocket, my mom checked out, and we went out to the car. I thought I was in the clear. But Arlene knew. They kept asking me what was in my pocket. And though I tried to deny it, it didn’t do any good because they KNEW, and then they made me take it back inside and give it to the cashier. I tell you what, I learned right then that crime doesn’t pay, and I never stole anything again.

For years after that, I always wondered how they knew. Some sixth sense tuned them in to the crime being committed under their noses? I was baffled, but I think I have figured it out. I was 5. With all my 5-year-old Stealth, how could they NOT have noticed? I thought I was being so nonchalant, when in reality I must have been SO WILDLY OBVIOUS that I may as well have broken their knees and run off with my prize, and it wouldn’t have been any clearer. (Though certainly more violent. Wow, where did that come from?)

Ok. I have rambled enough. Let’s just say that the devil in the gum made me steal it, and only thanks to my highly intuitive sister and mother was I saved from the life of gum related crime that the Hubba Bubba had planned for me.

The End.