Sleeping Dogs Lie

Sep 22, 2012

Sometimes what they show on TV or in the movies isn't real.  Did you know that?  Sorry to drop a bomb on you like that, but it's better that you knew.  Things just don't always work out like they do in the movies.  You know, like when the CSI lab gets their results back in just a few hours because a hot field agent asked for it.  Or when they show hot field agents working in a CSI lab.   Or when girls who have been stranded on a desert island, or who are traveling through the wilderness always seem to have beautiful hair no matter what they have to go through.

Or when they show people sleeping like this:

Just pretend like her hair is cascading beautifully down the pillow and she isn't suffering from balloon head and see how peacefully they are sleeping mere inches from each other faces?


That sleeping position is a lie perpetrated by the media!

Maybe it is just me, but in my relationship, that DOES NOT HAPPEN.  I don't like breathing reconstituted air.  I don't like hot air blowing in my face.

And mostly, my husband and I don't want to smell each other's face wind.

They show couples sleeping that way, so sweetly all night long, waking up in that position to smile lovingly at each other, and then maybe kiss oh so chastely (that is the kind of shows I watch, ok) but in reality, even if a couple managed to stay in that position all night (not in a million years), that little pocket of air between them would be like a cloud of toxic fumes.

It seems like the older I get, the worse my morning breath gets.  These days my breath in the morning is like a weapon.  I could incapacitate an enemy at 10 paces just by blowing them a kiss.  Which I guess could come in handy sometimes.  Maybe that is my super power.  A blessing and a curse.

Remember when you were a kid and your breath and your armpits always smelled sweet?  (not to mention the way your body DIDN'T hurt all the time) I knew getting older was going to be rough, but I just never bargained for this.  If my breath is this bad NOW, what is it going to be like when I am 80?  I'm only 34.  That is like 50 more years of stink collecting in the back of my throat!

And once again I feel it necessary to remind you that I really am quite a lovely person, despite the breath threat.  Just don't sleep in my face.  Something bad might happen to you.