The Fat Alarm

August 13, 2009

Our smoke alarm is really more of a fat alarm than anything else. The only time it ever goes off is when we are frying food. There is never any smoke. Never any fire. No cause for concern at all. But that stupid white disc attached to my ceiling starts beeping the minute I throw something in a pan of oil. And if we are deep frying, it continues to go off about every 5 minutes. To which I take umbrage! What right does that little battery operate contraption have to pass judgment on the food I eat? If I wanted to eat a whole vat of fat (and come on, who doesn't?) I should be able to do so without my household safety devices giving me grief about it.

Though now that I think about it, I wonder if The Fat Alarm would sell? We could call it "Lard Alert", or "The Blubber Buzzer", or something super catchy like that. Would people pay money for a doohickey that reminds them that they are making poor food choices? What if, instead of beeping, it said things like"Are you sure you want to eat that?" or "Step away from the Frying Pan!"? My smoke alarms are all linked so that if one goes off for a certain amount of time, the others throughout the house go off too. The would be a good feature in the Fat Alarm too. So that if you try to sneak in some deep fried twinkies late at night, your spouse, who is watching "Conan" in bed, will be sure to know about it.

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10 comments

  1. Mine doesn't beep. It is a solid, ear-piercing screech that wakes the neighbors in China. And it is wired to the house, so I can't just take the batteries out.

    But oh my goodness. The possibilities are endless. There could be a couch potato alarm that goes off if someone has been inert for more than 6 hours, or a zombie alert when someone has been playing computer games too long!

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  2. I don't fry food. But I totally have an internal fat alarm.

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  3. My vote is for "The Lard Alarm." It has a nice ring to it. Maybe you could put it on the shopping network. :)

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  4. Such a brilliant idea! I think your should definitely start marketing them today! I would buy one.

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  5. My Fat Alarm is my Wii Fit. It's brutal. It knows WAY too much about me and I KNOW it would be angry if I fried anything and ate it.

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  6. Brilliant! And if it helps your marketing possibilities, I actually have an ice cream scoop that oinks when you use it.

    I don't keep batteries in it.

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  7. i would be in sooo much trouble. what if the kids knew what i was eating every time they lay down for a nap??? please don't sell this idea! it sounds far too efficient :)

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  8. O.K. If you eat so much fat, where does it go? It does not stick to you!

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  9. mmm, makes me want to eat donuts right now!
    I think I will have some ice cream.

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  10. Your fat alarm is brilliant and would go along perfectly with new diet plan!

    The driver's side automatic window on my mini-van is broken. I can't roll the window down. That means I can't go through any sort of drive up window (be it at the bank or Wendy's). Unless it's worth parking the car to go in and get it, I can't! And with 3 kids in tow- that means I usually can't.

    My window's got me in check when I'm out and about and now your phat alarm can keep tabs on me at home. Success is all but guaranteed!(or my money back minus shipping and handling of course)

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