Just Because it is My Day, Doesn't Make Me a Fool.

April 01, 2009

It is my birthday. I am 31 today. 31!! Does that mean I am middle aged? When do the middle ages actually begin? Does it depend on my life expectancy? I don't know what that is. Seems like most of my grandparents died around 80 or 90 (correct me if I'm wrong Mom. I really just took a guess there.), so maybe I will be middle aged when I hit 40 or so? Whatevs.

I decided, in honor of this occasion, that I would write another list.

10 Reasons it is Awesome to be 31. Of course they have to be different than the reasons it is awesome to be 30 (though those ones still hold true), but I have only been 31 for like 12 hours, so....... Hey! Wait! I'm not going to make excuses for my list! I don't have to!

1. 31 is the magically age wherein you are no longer required to make excuses.

2. An old lady drove past me today wearing one of those plastic bonnet things. No umbrella for her. She didn't need one. Saw that it was snowing out, so she just donned her attractive, moisture-proof hat, and her hairdo was safe. Plus, she looked like a million bucks!

Awesome. Now, I can't wear one of those yet. I know that. In the same way that it is no longer appropriate for me to wear Tinkerbell accessories in public, the time has not yet come for me to wear this pretty headdress. But I'm thinking when I hit 40 I will be able to wear one with pride. And each year brings me closer to that glorious day.

3. I no longer have to worry about getting Hit On by guys when I go out. Yesterday, this was a huge problem, but today that problem is gone. Turning 31 has coated me in a "film of oldness" that lets all those men on the prowl out there know that there is nothing here for them to see. Phew! (The plastic rain hat can have a pretty similar effect, so those of you who aren't yet 31 may want to keep that in mind for keeping the men away.)

4. The older you get, the more stuff you can get away with. I was at DI yesterday, and this old man and his wife walked by. As they walked on, the old man passed gas in the loudest and longest fashion I think I have ever heard. A severe case of "The Vapors". And he just kept on walking, like it was no big deal. Ah, how I envy that old man. Again, I don't think I am quite there yet at 31, but I'm closer, and I can get away with, say, curlers at the grocery store. That is if I ever used curlers. And speaking of breaking wind, here is a comic that made me laugh for a good 15 minutes.

5. When you get old enough, people no longer expect as much of you. The world understands that we tire quickly, so that what, last year, would have been considered a lame attempt at a list, is this year considered "Pretty good for someone her age." Score!

(Thanks for missing me Kristina. I didn't realize how long it had been.)

You Might Also Like


  1. Bahahaha! I love that hat bit.

    I could really appreciate that list, especially now that I'm 32. 32 is totally different than 31. For example (if I may be so bold as to share some of my advanced wisdom with you), you can now browse the Vermont Country Store Catalog and begin thinking, "Handrails for the bathtub? Inflatable toilet seat cushions? Mumus in every color imaginable? Brick-hard ribbon candy? These are all things I've needed for some time! I better get my checkbook out 'cause it's shopping time!" Being old is so great.

  2. Ah, to fart in public without blushing. THAT is achievement.

    Happy Birthday!

  3. Ha. I love your lists. Very punny. Happy Birthday!

  4. Happy Birthday! I turned 27 yesterday and I am feeling like I could wear the plastic hat thing today. Who knows, maybe others would catch on?

  5. I've decided that the best thing about being 32 is that now I can be one of those people who says "I'm 32" on each of my birthdays for the rest of my life.

    Happiest of days to you!

  6. Happy birthday!! And I turn 31 in May. We will rule the world!

  7. I forgot to say this last night. When I was younger my dad farted really loud during tithing settlement and wasn't even ruffled. Ah, to be that old and/or confident.

  8. Happy Birthday! 31 is great but I'm dreading 32 for some reason. Somehow, it's about to creap up on me and now, I'm really in my 30s. Yikes. Remember when sister missionaries used to be "old"!

    I loved your profile letter for adoption. You both are such wonderful people and it will be such a blessing for a child to have you as parents.

  9. Yes, it's through Reader. It was having problems today, and I almost had a heart attack!

  10. Daisy Owl always hits close to home.

  11. Yes, and thank YOU for introducing me to it!