Jul 24, 2008

Allow me to quote Oemac:

"I was looking at clothes online and managed to end up at It was a strange place for me to be since they seem to specialize in overpriced clothing that is suitable for climbing Mount Everest. Nevertheless, I was there looking at a pretty basic pair of slacks and noticed a section of the description titled "Ideal Uses"

Ideal Uses

* Day Job
* Train Travel
* Around Town
* Gathering Firewood
* Parent-teacher Conferences

I got quite a laugh out of these ideal uses. Particularly the last two. What exactly makes a pant ideal for gathering firewood? Do the gathering firewood traits of the pants also translate into what makes them ideal for Parent-teacher Conferences?

It seems so strange that they would need to explain what activities the pants are suitable for, and not just suitable, but ideal. Do they have a problem with their clientele calling the customer service line and saying, "I just received my new pants in the mail, but I can't figure out what to do with the pants. Do you have any recommendations?"

So after I had my laugh I looked at some of their other pants. They had 4 pages of pants that all pretty much looked like basic trousers to me, but of course each had a unique set of uses. The strangest were the Mystery Pants. That is the pants name, "THE MYSTERY PANTS" I am not sure what is so mysterious about these pants, although I am told that the pants "... have an elegant drape and low-maintenance virtues for a life lived on the road." The mystery pants ideal uses are as follows:
* Late-Season Berry Picking
* Gallery Hopping
* After Dinner Walks
* Visiting the Botanical Gardens

Perhaps they are being cute or ironic, although, based on their website, I don't think so.

I am going to start making my own pants and selling them on the web. Under my "Ideal Uses" section I am going to put:

Ideal Uses:
* To cover nude body"

So these pants and their ideal uses got me thinking. Seems like a great idea. I love knowing just what my pants are best for. However, I can foresee some issues. Like, what if I own a pair of basic slacks, and a pair of mystery pants, and I get invited to go berry picking in the Spring. I know my mystery pants are perfect for late season berry picking, but what about early season? I would hate to wear my pants out of their element. I could wear my basic slacks, and hope that the firewood gathering features would work for early season berry picking, but then whatever shall I wear to the PTA meeting later? Ah, such a quandary. I am going to have to call customer service.

I think it's a good thing they have made pants that are ideal for your day job and train travel. What if they weren't? A conscious clothes-wearer would have to ride the train to work in their travel pants, and then change into their day job pants in the public bathroom outside the office building. GHASTLY!! Wow, thank goodness THAT problem has been solved.

And Oemac, you left off one of the most important uses of the mystery pants -
Questioning Authority.

I can see now that I have been shopping all wrong. I usually just find a thing that is cute and buy it. I've been such a Fool! I need to be listing those things that I want to accomplish and find the proper clothing for each activity. I basically have always just shopped for casual clothes and dressy clothes, but I can see now that my clothes are holding me back. I never question authority - now we know why: Don't have the right britches.

I think I better get me a pair of these: Women's Cordalette Pants

Ideal Uses:
  • Bushwhacking
  • Woodworking
  • Day Job
  • Outdoor Concerts
  • Surf Check
If I could get me a pair of trousers that allow me to indulge in my active lifestyle without having to change my clothes every time I change activities, it would be freedom indeed. I have spent my whole life looking for a pair of pants perfect for bushwhacking. And if those same pants will take me from my day job, to a rigorous afternoon of bushwhacking, strait to a concert in the park, then I will have found true happiness. That's right folks. Happiness. Right here in this pair of pants.