And while we are on the subject...

I find that you really can't talk too much about throwing up.  It simply doesn't seem to be possible.

Richard got sick last weekend.  Usually I am the one who is sick while he points and laughs at my misery.    He probably gets sick 1 out of every 10 times that I get sick.  So last weekend I guess it was finally his turn again. And while it put a damper on the weekend, it brought up lots of fun memories of sicknesses gone by.

When we first moved in to this house we went to Home Depot like we did all the time in those days.  I started feeling oogy, so I made Richard push me around in the shopping cart.  I think he suspected that I was just lazy, so I was really glad when we got home and I ran strait into the house and puked up pizza all over the shower.  That showed him.

Once when I was young my sister Demi got sick.  So she was hanging out in front of the toilet like you do, waiting for the sweet release of up-chucking.  It was late and she was exhausted and all the sudden she ran into the kitchen saying that her hands wouldn't work.  They were in these weird positions and seemed all frozen and she was freaking out and I was FREAKED OUT!   I thought she was dying, cuz what else do frozen hands mean if not certain death?  Turns out she had just fallen alseep on her hands and they were totally numb, but otherwise fine.

And then there was a time on my mission when a lady in the ward told me that taking Mulitvitamins on an empty stomach made her sick.  I thought that was rather silly.  But when I took one a couple days later on an empty stomach I started feeling sick too.  I think she hexed me.  I knew the thing to do was to eat something, so I grabbed the first thing I could find - leftover fish pasta - and ate it as fast as I could.  About 5 minutes later I hurled in the shower.   (By the way, puking in the shower is way better than puking in the toilet.  Though if I have my druthers  I prefer vomiting into a pitcher from the comforts of my bed.)

Anyhoo, as I listened to Richard hurling into the toilet I realized how generous and forgiving he is for still loving me after hearing me barf all those times.  Cuz now, for me, it is over.  How can I kiss someone after hearing them throw up like that?  I know there are some silent pukers out there, but I'm sure not one of them, and now I know my husband isn't either.    So that is it for us.  We had a good run.  But I was also interested to realize that, while the love is gone, listening to him didn't make ME want to throw up.  It always does in the movies, and I have always wondered if it would work that way for me, but it didn't.  So now I know, next time I am stuck in a room full of barfing barfers, I will be the one with my head held high, holding it together while everyone around me falls apart all over the upholstery.  Man, that is going to be awesome!  I can't wait!

We All Scream, Just Because We Feel Like It

In the movies you can always tell when a woman has had a bad day.  Well, first of all you can tell because she actually did have a bad day - maybe she lost the big account her boss was counting on, or she got left at the alter, or fell off a building, or maybe got chased by zombies.  But there are other signs, for those of you not too quick on the uptake.  She'll come home at the end of that crappy, zombie-filled day and head for the fridge. Her roommate will say "How was your day?"  and she will answer by pulling a container of icecream out of the freezer.  To which her roommate will respond, "Ooh, that bad?"

I never really understood that.  Are you telling me she only ate the icecream when she was upset?  Did she only keep it on hand in the eventuality that she might someday have a bad day?  For months it would sit neglected in her freezer while she ate grapefruit and spinach until the day her dog died? Or was it the fact that she was eating icecream before dinner that alarmed her roommate so?  Somehow I doubt it.  I think this is one of those myths perpetuated by the media, like the idea that bank robbers are good at heart, or that monkeys can fly space shuttles.  Cuz if I have icecream in my freezer, I'll eat it, day or night, before dinner,  after dinner, in place of dinner, for breakfast, whatever.  I'll just keep eating it until it is gone.  Which is exactly why I don't keep it in the house.  If it is here, I will eat it until it is not here anymore. No occasion required.

So if I have a bad day, I don't have the luxury of just going to the freezer to eat that whole quart of Ben and Jerry's that has just been sitting in there.  I either have to MAKE something, which takes more time than I am willing to spend in that moment, or go out and BUY something, which is a bad idea all on its own.  I have a tendency to run over people when I drive angry.  Which means I have to resort to other sources of sugar, and I will use just about whatever I can find: Chocolate chips usually, or all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms box,  maybe Candy Canes from 3 Christmases ago,or if worst comes to worst, spoonfuls of sugar.

Have you ever tried to seek solace in a spoonful of sugar?  It doesn't have much to offer. I doubt it even really helps the medicine go down.  It only takes about a spoonful to make you wish you were dead.  3 or 4 spoonfuls later the barfing starts, which incidentally makes you forget about the zombies and sort of puts things in perspective.  At least I have a toilet to barf into, you know?

And that my friends, is why.... I don't know.  I really don't know how to wrap this up.  I just like to call you my friends.  But at least now we know that movies aren't real.  Yes, bad things happen to good people, but the odds of a person actually having icecream in the freezer on the day they find out that the perfect guy they just met has amnesia and doesn't even remember them is just too great to fool any one anymore.  You're gonna have to try harder, movies!  We are onto you!

Babies Are Boring

They get born and come into this big ol' exciting world, and what is the first thing they do?

You put them in the car, and

You get them dressed for church, and

You can poke them in the foot,

strip them down naked,

or kiss them in the face,

but they'll sleep through it all.
On this couch,

in the bath

on  a lap

or a shoulder

You name it, they can sleep through it, on it or over it.  Seriously, wake up already!  What are the rest of us supposed to do while you are asleep?  Clean the house?  Cook dinner?  Pay the bills?  Sleep ourselves???  Don't be ridiculous!  It is high time you did your share!  I demand payment for services rendered.  I only accept smiles as payment, so I would get working on that.

My Very Own Star Wars Kid

So Richard made these very cool light sabers for Harrison for Christmas out of pex pipe and old flashlights. I would show you a picture, but then I would have to take one. And it is hot in my house. We don't have air conditioning, but our house is made of brick so it stays pretty cool for the most part. So if I keep very still, I can keep from raising my body temperature in any way. If I have to get up to take a picture, it might cause me to expire. Plus, I am super lazy.

Oh, look at that!  A picture magically appeared in my camera and transferred itself onto my hard drive.  Fairys sure are nice to have around. Here ya go:

Because of these light sabers, Harrison and I have a lot of light saber fights. Lots of them. Long ones. Epic ones. And I always feel a little silly. Until it finally occurred to me that my problem is that I was holding my light saber wrong! I was holding it one handed, like a foil, which is so embarrassing because everyone knows the light saber is a two handed weapon.  Duh.

Having realized my mistake, I grabbed my light saber with both hands and started whipping it around, perfecting my form and increasing my skill until I suddenly realized that I looked just like this guy:

And I was just so happy. I've finally made it, you know?